World War Five

My cat Anton died in my arms a little bit after 5 pm today.

Anton had bone cancer, it turns out, and it had spread into his lungs. This is why his leg snapped in two, this is why his leg never healed over all of these months.

From the moment he was brought to me in the examination room today, he never stopped purring. He was heavily drugged, and very happy to see me. He purred insanely loudly for a cat with lung cancer. I spent about 45 minutes with him, before the deed was done, before the doctor injected the poison, and Anton became still in my embrace.

The doctor didn’t want to do it; he stalled and then he stalled some more. Everybody at that veterinary clinic loved Anton a lot. They always called me “Mr. Anton” when I came to visit. Everybody loved this cat.

My good friend Paloma drove me to the clinic, and drove me home, and stayed with me the whole time, and made it all a bit easier for me to deal with.

My throat hurts, my head hurts, my eyes hurt, my soul hurts.

I will miss you, buddy.

Tags: blog by frankenstoen
No Comments »

I am back from Ohio. I flew there because my father had a couple of heart attacks last week. The doctors have propped open his blocked arteries and he appears to be doing well.

Ohio was a mud pit, rainy and cold. The battle there seems to be against erosion, the hills are made of clay with random bits of rock sprinkled about, no place to gain firm footing. Southeast Ohio is quiet, the cities are like suburbs and the country is a suburb of a suburb as the farmers all give up farming and parcel their land out to people building houses. It is a land of Amishmen, and Amishwomen, and is is a land of utter and complete boredom.

Cooped up in planes for hours on end, breathing stranger’s recycled air, I am now sick, coming down with a cold, possibly the flu. i eat chicken soup even as I type these words.

I brought Anton home from the vet, shortly after returning home myself. His leg is slow to heal, he has to remain isolated for months. He might need more surgery.

My job is exhausting. It is sucking away at my soul in unexpected ways. My fellow employees are are slowly withering and breaking down under the huge grinding gears of a seemingly out of control machine too vast to comprehend.

Tags: blog by frankenstoen
No Comments »

Stressed out

Last night, I could not sleep. I realized that I was very tense. I began wondering why I was so tense, and I realized that I had not felt relaxed in several weeks, at the very least. Maybe it’s been months. Or even years. Most nights lately I fall asleep pretty quickly from sheer utter exhaustion, but not last night.

As I lay there, I came to realize that I was seriously stressed out, and that every single thing in my life was stressing me out. I couldn’t think of one single thing to make myself relax. The more I thought about it, the more stressed out I became. After a few hours of tossing and turning, I did finally pass out, only to be woke up by the alarm a few minutes later.

I really need to relax.

Tags: blog by frankenstoen
No Comments »

I got the cage out of the garage and finshed setting it up a few minutes ago. It awaits Anton’s return from the vet tomorrow. The cage had a very short stay in the garage. I had emptied out an entire room for this cat, made it safe, so that he could not hurt himself. But it wasn’t enough. Last week, he fled past me and ran down the steps, faster than I could catch him, twice. Downstairs, he promptly decided to climb up on the furniture.

It’s funny, I don’t think I’ve seen him run that fast in years - certainly not down the stairs. Friday night, I noticed that the metal rod in his leg seemed to be sticking out slightly further than before. By Saturday morning, the area was swollen, by Saturday evening, it was the size of a small egg, and I drove him down to see his friends at the Tualatin Emergency clinic. They advised me to keep him still until I could take him to the vet on Monday.

Anton would not be still, however. He was more energized and crazed than i have seen him in years. As nasty as his leg looked, he acted like he felt much better with the rod sticking halfway out of his skin. He kept me awake over the weekend, banging on the door of his room, trying to open it. It didn’t matter to him that I was in the room with him - he wanted out!

Today is monday, and by this morning, the rod was sticking WAY out, and it looked like an EXTRA LARGE JUMBO egg was resting right below the skin. He still didn’t seem to particularly notice or care. I got him to the vet as they opened, and the doctor managed to squeeze him in this afternoon, and put the rod back in it proper place.

At work, my co-workers took up a collection to help pay for my cat’s surgery, which was a mean thing to do because it made me cry. Stupid nice people.

So Anton returns to the cage tomorrow.

Tags: blog by frankenstoen
No Comments »

The past month has been a dark one, a terrible start to the new year. Anton continues to heal, he is becoming quite fast on his bionic leg, faster than me anyway. My allergies have been killing me. I am terribly allergic to cats, and winter is bad, with the closed windows and dry air, but of course I have been making things worse by hugging and playing with my cats more often than I usually do. My skin breaks out in a rash whenever I come in contact with them. My allergist predicts that I will soon come down with athsma. Yay.

I am exhausted, working 50 hours a week, every week, can wear you down, even when the work is not physically strenous in any way. Perhaps that is why I do not feel optimistic. Perhaps it is the short days and cold weather that are wearing at my soul.

I like my job. It’s a great job. Lots of great people working there. Hillsboro sucks, though. While my street address says Portland, and a couple of blocks away there is a sign saying “Welcome to Beaverton”, this area that I live in is actually Hillsboro, in all of the worst meanings of that word. While I do like being able to bike to work every morning, and I hate the idea of driving all the way from downtown Portland every day, Hillsboro sucks. Hillsboro has become a curse word for those of us who have moved here.

Hillsboro is exactly like 90% percent of America. It’s urban sprawl, filled with chain stores and too much traffic. Everyone in this town is fat. I mean, FAT, like full of lard, like morbidly obese, like the kind of people who watch Jerry Springer and eat at McDonalds and shop at WalMart.

I got spoiled living in Boulder. Everyone there was beautiful and fit. Nobody was overweight, everyone was healthy. You could walk everywhere and anywhere, and everybody did.

We have sidewalks here in Hillsboro, and bicycle paths too, but nobody uses either, except the motorists, who can be found driving on both.

One of these days, I hope to be able to afford to live in Portland proper, which is actually pretty nice in spots. If I get really rich, I mean, stinking filthy rich, perhaps I will move back to Boulder, whose beauty haunts me still.

Tags: blog by frankenstoen
No Comments »